I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Good morning, Twitter 😊
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking