I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.