I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
So we got a goldfish…
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.