I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
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Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
For those that worship cheese..
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this