@Okeating

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

@pleatedjeans

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

@donni

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

@Crazy_ButCute2

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

@IMBeanz

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

@CrseOfOakIsland

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

@MissBamanthaa

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

@ADHDeanASL

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

@trevso_electric

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.