Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@fuzzlime

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

@_SetTheHook_

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

@MrC2daG

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

@sistersurf

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

@ch000ch

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

@SvnSxty

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

@PetrickSara

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

@justabloodygame

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

@AmishSuperModel

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

@egg_dog

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.