@iAmDelFreaky

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

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@missteenussr

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

@daemonic3

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

@Pierre__4

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

@aveuaskew

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

@TheToddWilliams

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

@FunnyBison

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

@murrman5

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

@3sunzzz

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

@kimlockhartga

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.