I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…


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my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her


Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.


I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.


sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means


I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time


What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.


[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]


It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.


imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.