I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
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Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.