I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
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Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.