@Rlpihl Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
@dixinormus10 I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
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@Rlpihl 
@Book_Krazy [Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
@TheToddWilliams [boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
@Parkerlawyer It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
@Thuggedraccoon Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
@whatsJo [restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
@KandyKoehn construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
@TheWadest Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
@joeljeffrey The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?