I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
aura
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.