“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?