I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.