I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
You Might Also Like
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
If only.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
christening a ship with an overripe banana
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping