I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
can’t catch a break
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money