I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
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For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Ah..makes sense now
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”