@SavageDabs69

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

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@brunopieroni

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

@daemonic3

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

@Playing_Dad

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

@KevinBuffalo

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

@QwertyJones3

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

@oldfriend99

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

@DreamExplosive

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

@Stellacopter

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.