I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
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I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.