Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
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911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
there’s probably a fee though
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.