I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
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If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me