I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
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I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.