I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
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I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi