I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
who did the taste test?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines