I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Husband: Let’s role play.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?