I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
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If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
a lot to unpack here
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
One venti cheeseburger please.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection