I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
#Caturday
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.