I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

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Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?


Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.


One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment


everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)


I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.


I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.


My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.


Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.


Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.