I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
These are my roll models.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.