I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here