I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
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Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
tell em, edith-anne
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
For cardio I live beyond my means.