I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick