“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
The Book. The Movie.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.