Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood

seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”