“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Great Canadian literature.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings