I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
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I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out