I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
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My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.