I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
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Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I like crazy people until they notice me
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.