I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
so i’m at the stock market right
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.