I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
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Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012