Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
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Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May