I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
You Might Also Like
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.