@FivePointsVids

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

You Might Also Like

@aimlessamers

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

@KateWhineHall

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

@Shade510

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

@MatCro

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

@Birdhumms

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

@tastefactory

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

@chris_isloi

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

@TheNewsAtGlenn

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May