I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.


Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.


I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.





C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having


Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell


HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling


When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.


Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May