I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
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“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.