I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
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i hope my email finds you on fire
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.