I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Found the job I’m suited for
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Webb. James Webb.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”