i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
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I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores