I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours