I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.