i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
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Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
life finds a way
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Siri: Retweet me.