I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
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Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
What a chick magnet..
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.