I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
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My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.