I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
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[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”