I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I’d hang this in my house.