I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
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I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT