I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
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COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.