I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
when there are deer in the woods
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE