I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
oh my gosh!!
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”