I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”