I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
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JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century