I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Dune (2021)
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese