I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
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You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
constantly working on myself.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Meat Cute
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.